YOGA NIDRA~where healing takes place...
yoga nidra. the sleep of the yogis. it brings rest and healing. ‘this is where healing takes place’....or so i am told. yet when my mind is quiet and my brain waves (supposedly) enter the healing realm of theta....i remember the painful things. the memories i have so long stuffed away...where? many of my teachers say they are in my hips? really? somehow that seems hard to believe. i think they are in my heart, broken and bleeding and perhaps half gone. i think i need soul retrieval. i have heard that pain, shame and humiliation lead to loss of fragments of the soul. i feel this is perhaps what is ‘wrong’ with me. i have lost several pieces of my soul....’you have to feel it to heal it’....this too, i have been told in yoga. could it be true? is this why these memories arise in yoga nidra? where healing takes place. do i have to remember and feel the pain again to heal it?
I wake up and see the little hand on the 4 and the big hand on the 10. it is the middle of the night. the sky is black and the only light in my room is the flat green colored night-light. I get out of bed and walk to the door of my room. I open it. I step in the hallway and reach up and flip on the switch and the hallway light flickers a bit and then illuminates the way. I hear crying and moaning and water running and see the light escaping under the bathroom door. as i plod sleepily down the hall toward the door I think, "Jesus Christ, what now?" I am 4 years old.
I reach up and grab the doorknob and turn it. I try to do it quietly so she won't look up and see me when I open it. I know she is awake because she is moaning and crying. I twist the knob and push in and peek inside. She is in the bathtub. The water is running and the water spilling over the sides and onto the bathroom carpet is pink.
I know what to do. I have done it before. I run to the end of the hall and pick up the telephone receiver and lay it on the nightstand beside my parent's bed. My dad is not in bed and must be working late again. I stick my pointer finger in the very last hole and pull it all the way to the end before I let it go and it rolls back to it's original position. "Operator" says the lady on the other end. "I need an ambulance at 12 Prospect Street". I have said it before. I am only 4 but I know my address and can call for the ambulance. Now she will go to the hospital and i will have to take the little ones and go stay at Marg's house. 'You were put on this earth to suffer'. 'You don't deserve to be alive'. This is what she is screaming at me when they put her on the stretcher and carry her to the ambulance. I already know this. I know I don't belong here. I am not good enough to be alive.
Yoga Nidra...the sleep of the yogis....’where healing takes place’....